La Bella Vida

Feb 2013. Unfinished blog

Today is a great day- and I am reminded again of just how lucky I am to be a huge part of someone else's life. Bella turned 2 about a month ago. As the old cliche goes...it seems like yesterday that she was just born. But it really is true- I can't phathom the thought of 2 years sweeping by so quickly. The evidence of it, though, is how much Bella has grown into the smart, articulate, comical and charming girl that she is. Sometimes when I think of her, I begin to tear as happiness and pride overwhelms me.

Buy the Ticket, Take the Ride...

Once in a while, a feeling of revival swifts past you & you start to regain your senses. You begin to breathe deeper, every inhale and exhale a reminder of life within you. You begin to listen to all the sweet sounds happening all around you. You begin to see everything in vibrant colors. You begin to taste the deliciousness of life's pallet.

When this happens, I believe it is God or those that we have loved who past on reminding us of all the sweet pleasures life has to offer us. Blurred by all the complications life likes to throw at us ((bills, work, declining health, etc...)), we tend to allow these things to blanket our minds and lives making us believe that this is all there is. Life is a struggle, we think. Everyday we wake up, go to work, waste or slave away to earn a few dollars to eat and stay alive, retire from the day with a few moments with loved ones ((if that)) go to bed and start the process all over again.

However, in between those moments of waking up and going back to sleep we have a choice to steer off course and do something that will revive our passion and thirst for life. We can do simple things..visit a friend spontaneously, go the nearest park and read a book for 30 mins, have a glass of wine at a cozy restaurant, go to the beach or anywhere with water, take a walk, research an interesting subject you've been curious about, eat something deliciously sugary, listen to your favorite song from high school, visit your niece or nephew ((kids are God's gifts to the world, the innocence to the jadeness we shield ourselves with)).

Whatever it is that reminds you of how beautiful life is, they all have this one quality in its core: LOVE. Love wraps you up and craddles you as if you were back to being a baby in your mother's arms. It makes you feel safe, it makes you feel warm, it makes you feel like you can conquer anything if you had it with you at all times. Everyday I try to find love in simple things. Sometimes it's difficult because I get caught up in frustrating situations, but I try.

Then, with love, there is faith. Faith is a wonderful thing. It gives us power to believe in something much greater than us and our decisions, it gives us strength when devastating events happen to us, it reassures us and most of all, faith gives us promise. Promise for tomorrow, for eternity. It is enough to calm me and steer me back to life...to believe that the blurriness of life's struggles is temporary. It allows me to keep my optimism alive and love without regret.

With that, it is easy to want to explore the world and life but the hard part is to get the ball rolling and initiating it. Hunter S. Thompson did this perfectly and unapologetically. He coined the phrase with his documentary, "Buy the Ticket, Take the Ride". We cannot enjoy life if we don't take the first step and buy the ticket. I take this literally and metaphorically. If we don't chose to allow love and faith to work within us ((buy the ticket so to speak)) then we will never experience the rivival of life in its purest form ((take the ride)).

"The [Older] the Berry, the Sweeter the Juice"

It is no surprise that we are getting older and older by the second. If physical appearances, cocktailed by wrinkles, grey hair(s), sagging skin and anything else that has you saying "hey I didn't have these before", weren't enough signs to announce you've aged...how about all the internal implications? Slowly and steadily losing your vision, your hearing, your strength, your stamina (uh-oh boys, I know that's a major one for you), your athleticism, your flexiblity, your memory, your desires, your hopes, your aspirations, your energy to 'have fun and go out' every night, your tolerance to consume heavy amounts of alcohol and waking up at 6am to go to work the next day without the world spinning and having you feel like death, your indifference to politics, religion, and money (because who are you kidding? we were blinded to these realities up till the day we graduated from college and the reality for providing for ourselves made its presence known with a huge slap in the face...and wait, money doesn't grow on trees?!? shiiiiit), and your apprehension of thinking one day you will have kids, settle down and be like your parents (cuz that's just impossible!!) is still very engaged. When all of those I just listed have been lost...well, it's a strong nudge that maybe we've hit that stage where we are finally growing up.

And unlike an adolescent to a teen to a young adult, where the growing pains were spread out within 4-5 year intervals and streamlined smoothly (for lack of a better term), "growing up" into adulthood hits you overnight. There is no grace period or hand holding here. Sure, you see signs of it the first time you wake up hung over from a night of raging and you can't undersand why you're hugging the toilet for a full day....when it only took you yakking once to feel better. You see a glimpse of it when you get a minor cramp as you're hustling down the court to get back on defense and notice you're short of breath and you need a quick substitution. And you start to get introduced to it when you're beautifying yourself in the mirror and all of a sudden you scream because you notice that white strand of hair but you calm yourself down when you tell yourself you've just had a stressful week and if you take it out, just that one, that should be the last of grey hairs you'll be seeing till you're 60 (okay 50. 40?).

Those signs are all ignored. You go about your day, as your body is transforming and conjuring up an evil "surprise party" the next morning to alert you- YOU'RE OLD! Sure enough you wake up, joints aching, head throbbing, needing glasses just to tell the time, and freaking the eff out because bills are due- YOUR bills. Then you start to digress into your thoughts (look up into that thought bubble)...into a land that not too long ago, you didn't have to worry about "your" bills, you didn't have to take advil upon waking up because your body was aching and a 2 minute stretch turned into a whole morning of cracking your back and adjusting your posture, and where homework was the major responsibility of your life.

Mind you, I'm only 27...writing as if I am 40, and seeming that I've had all sense of my youth evaded from my life. Thank goodness  I haven't. And thank goodness for great genes- in some instances too "great" that some people innocently still mistake me as a high school student (the cuteness of that mistake died a loong time ago). But I do know that enough people in my age group have already had that uneasy feeling of "growing old" and that slap of reality that our 10 year high school reunion is coming up. Yup 10 years...a decade...an unequivocal truth that we haven't met our 10 year goal when we ask ourselves "where the hell did these last 10 years go?" ((answer: fucking around being 20 year olds duuuh. Never thinking we'd face this day at 27 asking ourselves that question)). Then there's those moments when we're at a club and have a need to go outside because the music is too loud and we do a double-take because we just saw our little cousin/brother/sister taking a jager bomb at the bar. But they aren't little anymore- they're 22 years old and have taken our place as the "alcoholic" of the family ((because any filipino mom would lable their child an alcoholic even if they just took 1 jello shot all their lives- 'ahh sige, por dat drink and haa-lah! aye nako!' (i swear my mom's voice rattling that phrase in my ear while I'm pregaming at the house, still haunts me)) So from a now versed "club rat" at 27 looking at it with my 22 year old brother in the mix- I no longer find the scene appealing and secretly I like it (no more nights blowing $200 for drinks at a crowded bar).

And this is exactly the point where I ((and we)) have to realize the beauty of growing up. Yes, it sucks to realize that from this point on all the cupcaking we did just a year ago, 5 years ago, 10 years go...will now be dismissed and replaced by bigger problems, more serious paperwork then homework, more complicated and convoluted decisions than figuring out what your facebook profile picture should be, and ((oooh God)) the subtle transformation of your physical self. But good things await just around the corner. Real "blessings". A sense of self-worth as you begin a career or settle into a nice promotion ((fingers crossed!!!)), a sense of entitlement over those who are younger because you've "been there done that" that you can dispense what pearls of wisdom you've gained by just being there a few years ago but still able to relate to them in ways a parent ((or someone in their 30's can't because they were from a different era. ooops =X )) can't. We have the decision and experience to know what we want for ourselves and from other people...including the most important of all- a partner. We can start to entertain the thought of having a kid ((or maybe kids but that's a little too soon)) without  the feeling that we are "too young, too juvenile"..((ok some of your hearts might be beating fast still at this thought but don't freak out...we still have 3 years to semi-freak out then after that...the word entertaining should be "planning")). We can live on our own, travel wherever we want, spend our money how we please, make money how we please, and be filled with the anticipation that from this point on our lives is what we want it to be and that desire should emerge again. But this time, we can produce results and all our hard work up till this point will come to fruition. Even if days seem bad...even if you're not where you want to be, at 27 you are still young enough to shape your life, and to hope for a great, near future.

Then the real reward comes bearing gifts. Your manager/director starts to trust you with multi-million dollar deals, even lets you be part of all business meetings, you start to see your business flourish, even if it's not...you come to work proud that this is your establishment and your customers actually trust in you to do that job right- not another person, but you. You buy your first home- excited at what will inhabit it. You purchase your own car...your own boat  ((sorry! had to say it =P)) . You treat your parents out to a fancy dinner just because you can and because you want them to feel proud of raising you, and this dinner, as small as it is, is your way of thanking them. People start to trust in you. You start to trust in you(rself). You know that whatever you want is just within your reach because now you have the tools to achieve it. You can ask for help without feeling ashamed. You can give help without needing anything in return.

This is why we must embrace growing up. Because life is sweet....and it's sweeter when you begin to shape your own life, yourself.

<3, k

Up, Up, Here We Gooo...

it's such a thing to do, isn't it? to get caught up. in everything...in the everyday...in life, as it rolls through the patterns, ever oblivious of the routine, and ever oblivious of the present moments taken for granted, one gets caught up in the smaller things. i read a book called, "The Tipping Point", it which it illustrates the moment where the shift begins. In it's subtle journey to that point, no one ever realizes that the small actions, words, or lack thereof(s), will lead to an ultimate tipping point...that point where the scale tips and you are on the very tip of the other side of the spectrum. I've been on that verge, not yet tipping point, and most times i caught myself before the final descent. I suppose it's my natural sensiblity to be mindful and aware of my life, my actions, my words, my successes, my fuck-ups, my...being. But why still, after all that mental, emotional, pyschological preparation do I still get anxious? And I've boiled it down to this one realization: I'm human- capable of vulnerabilty and irrationality. Everything doesn't need to make sense right? And so my feelings...however deeply intense and however shallow to the surface they may be, are natural and most times, unexplainable. I've always had a hard time vocalizing my feelings because to me, it makes perfect sense (as the ego so often clouds itself to feel righteous will do) but when spoken...I don't know how to relay.

 

So, deeply breathing, I guess I'll just dive into why I'm writing on this day, at this time. As of late, I've begun to journey into my inner being again. Something, I've missed that was such a big part of me. This is done in terms of yoga, reading, stillness, appreciation and of course...writing. Through this, I've touched a nerve of anxiousness...not unhappiness...but just anxiety. Anxiety of the unforetelling elements of the future, what it might be composed of, anxiety of my past and how far I've come or how short I've come to certain goals, and anxiety of the present moment of reality, of affirmations and of realism. My life has pumped the brakes...slowed down to a pace that is a little new to me. After talking to my cousin Regie today he told me that I've reached "lola" status and that he needed a new favorite cousin. All jokes aside, I knew he was right. I can no longer relate to those that I formed social relationships with beyond a sobriety level. Not to say those relationships will end ((because they are built on a foundation much deeper than social activities)) but it's different. But this feeling goes beyond being "out of the scene". There seems to be a shift in me and maybe it's the anticipation of the future? or the fear of the past repeating itself? All I know is that, I need to check myself before the tipping point...if it's slowly creeping up on me.

 

((breaking this up...just received a text from a great friend))

 

Ahh....and there is the silver lining to my day that I've been waiting for! BB just texted me that she's having a girl- what she wanted! A small, great reminder for me that life is miraculous and beautiful...beyond myself, beyond the self inquires I ponder without end...

 

cie la vie!

 

<3 ka

Birthday Blues

http://tellmylife.com/saturnReturn30.htm

In an effort to sum up what I'm feeling, I was lucky enough to be talking to my favey-Ei, and she passed on this article, which clearly and accurately describes what I'm feeling for this particular birthday. She also said..."you're turning 27, but you are mature so this is coming a year earlier" Gratzi to such great friends and making me feel like it's normal to have the birthday blues...Straight from the article...read below it's in purity

SATURN RETURN
(Age 28-30)

Certain astrological patterns occur universally--that is, everyone gets them at approximately the same age. One of those astrological patterns is the "Saturn Return" which occurs when transiting Saturn (where it is in the sky now) returns to the same position in the zodiac which Saturn occupied when you were born. Everyone experiences a Saturn Return around age 28-30.

A number of psychologists have also studied life cycles and changes. They note that adulthood is just as much a time of shifts as childhood. We do not stop growing and changing when we "come of age." Life is a continuing process of development. One Harvard study (by Daniel Levinson and others) noted seven major transition (crisis) periods in the men they studied. (This particular study only examined men.)

During transition periods, people reappraise their lives, leave the old, begin the new. Sometimes the changes are quite far reaching. The transition periods identified by psychology correspond neatly with major transiting (astrological) patterns. Levinson stressed the "Age Thirty Transition" and "Mid-Life Transition" as the most universally experienced of these crisis periods.

The "Age Thirty Transition" corresponds to the Saturn Return (which occurs around age 28-30). Astrologically, the issues center around time, structure, responsibility, power and accomplishment.

One common experience is that people suddenly feel "old," perhaps for the first time. "I'm almost thirty," the inner refrain goes, "and what have I done with my life?" A sense of time passing emerges, with more urgency to accomplish something lasting. People are likely to examine their lives to date and judge their achievements (or what they see as lack of achievements).

People will usually take a good, hard look at the structures of their life--their career, their family, their relationships. They may decide to change jobs, change careers, change relationships. Endings are quite possible, but so are beginning. (Some people, for example, have their first child -- a major responsibility -- around this age.)

How much, how little, and what kind of responsibility and power the person is wielding become a focus for examination. Typically, people who have been carrying too much of the load, overdoing responsibility, will look for ways to cut back. People who have been avoiding responsibility may be forced to be more grounded, or willingly take on additional tasks and power in order to gain the achievements they desire.

There tend to be four generalized paths of possibility here.

(1) Individuals who have chosen in their twenties a life structure which is really very suited to their character, may simply solidify their gains. They may receive an important promotion, take on additional responsibilities, gain increased power, but generally are just expanding on the path already selected. (This is a relatively small group among the total.)

(2) Individuals who have not really settled into a life structure, who have been experimenting, or wandering, seeking and searching in their twenties, will feel the pressure of time. A group of them will make their first real commitment at this point. They will settle into a career (as opposed to "just a job"). They will get married. They will select a life structure which gives them a sense of stability, but fits what they've learned about themselves through the years of "trying on" different things in their twenties. They will set their sights on accomplishments, and be ready to really dig in, building a foundation for the future.

(3) Individuals who have also searched in their twenties, but not developed skills, self-confidence, or necessary expertise, may continue to flounder. They will also feel a sense of pressure, of time passing them by, of wanting to do something that will last--that will make a "real" difference. Without adequate preparation or commitment, however, they tend to end up feeling blocked and frustrated. Nothing really works for them. Nothing comes together. Their efforts seem futile. To escape this trap, they must go back, build up their skills, competence and willingness to be ractical about responsibilities. They have to take more time to catch up with their peers.

(4) Individuals who have chosen in their twenties a life structure which is not very suited to their character, or who have simply changed a great deal, will make breaks. The old ways will feel confining, limiting, restrictive. Old patterns of behavior seem formalized and lifeless. In such cases, the people involved may end relationships, quit or be fired from jobs, move, or otherwise alter the basic structure of their lives. Sometimes they break out before they know what they are going toward. They simply know that they cannot continue to work with the current design. After (or while) making their breaks, these people will actively seek a firm commitment. They will look for a life tasks which will provide them with a sense of achievement, mastery and competence. They will seek out responsibilities that will help them to feel they are making a real contribution and gaining expertise.

Of course, some people will do a mixture of these four, generalized paths. They may build, advance and solidify their family life, while making major breaks in their career (or vice versa). Each individual will meet the "Age Thirty Crisis" in his/her own way!

When in this transition (crisis) period, it is valuable to ask yourself the following questions

1. What kind of a career am I temperamentally suit for?
2. If I died tomorrow, what would I like to leave in the world?
3. What kind of person do I want to grow old with as a mate?
4. Do I want the responsibility of a family?
5. How hard am I willing to work?
6. How much responsibility am I willing to take on?
7. Where am I feeling burdened, restricted, confined and limited?
8. How can I change my life to feel competent, capable, expert and in charge (rather than burdened, etc.)?
9. What skills have I developed through my life to date that I can put to work in the world?
10. Am I still living out the "shoulds" and "shouldn'ts" of someone else (parents, teacher, partners, etc.)? If so, how can I be truer to my inner essence?
11. How, where, and to what, do I want to make an enduring commitment?
12. If I view this as a time to lay a foundation, what is it I would like to build in the next six to seven years?

Once people master the Age 30 Transition, they enter a "stable period" (in Levinson's terms). Stable periods usually last six to seven years. (Seven years is one quarter of a Saturn cycle, astrologically.) During stable periods, people build life structures, elaborating foundations they have already set.

The "Settling Down" Stage follows the Age Thirty Transition. During their "settling down," people will make major strides in a career, do substantial building in a relationship, or major accomplishments in raising a family. They enlarge, expand and carry further the foundation that was set by the end of the Age Thirty Transition. (Shortly after the "Settling Down" Stage comes the Mid-Life Crisis, which is yet another topic!)

If you are near the Age Thirty Crisis, take a look at your life!

You are not as old as you may feel right now, but you are making important choices! Examine the structures you have set up. If they are too restrictive, make healthy, productive changes.

If you've been avoiding commitment, examine your options and select a course that will alllow you to begin building a foundation for the future.

If you've already selected with wisdom beyond your years and reaping rewards, acknowledgments and support for your current path--congratulations! You're one of the rare few who sail through this transition with few flurries.

If you've been too experimental to make choices, you can now choose to prepare better for the years ahead.

Your challenge, during the Age Thirty Transition, is to take on sufficient responsibility to achieve a meaningful, measurable result that will last--but not so much responsibility that you are overburdened and overworked.

Your challenge is to commit to a person, a career, a family or some basic life structure which will enhance your own personal growth as well. Your challenge is to identify what you can contribute to the world--your unique gift(s)--without feeling overwhelmed, inadequate or helpless.

Your challenge is to identify the basic rules and law of life, to work wisely and well within them, and to accomplish as much as you can to create an enduring testament of you having lived on this planet. Some of that enduring testament may be an outer (career) achievement. But the most vital part is your personal growth, maturity and increased mastery of your life and being.

On the most basic level, your major task is to consolidate all your experience to date into an increased expertise at living, loving, growing and managing your life with common sense, with foresight and with concern for the greater good.

Best of luck in your journey!

365 Days

How did an entire year already dash by? I could've sworn I was emptying out boxes in my new apartment...toasting to youth & independence...and figuring out what to do with my "space". this year definitely flew by, but left with it an eventful montage of laughter, tears, heartbreaks, love, death, life, talks, reflections, lessons and affirmations. This year was quite an investment- and the best one I've ever taken so far. I wouldn't trade it for any amount of money in the world- because what I've experienced is invaluable.

So...packing up boxes again, I can't help but to trip out on the inner and outter changes I've had. Ironically, though, I feel the same but just wiser, stronger and more self- aware. It's funny to see what your capabilities are without the pretentiousness of a public self challenge..in which everyone is well aware of your goal.

I took alot out of it- most things I won't write down here. But I will say this...nothing is as ever bad as you preceive it to be; going through shit can only produce positive results- if not then you're not done going through it; time really DOES heal up most wounds; when you least expect it...His grace will manifest itself; and lastly...if you have the means and strong desire to move out on your own- independent from the crutches of your parents or friends- do it! I feel like everyone should experience that "loneliness" to truly appreciate, feel and learn that we are never truly lonely if we are comfortable with ourselves...and we have a drive to make something of ourselves.

Ok it's sounding too Disney. I can never stop giving thanks for my blessings and the love that's given to me. So thank you thank you THANK YOU!!

Farewell #125...you were an INSPIRING and interesting chapter in my life =) My patio, my fireplace, my countertops- I'll miss you guys most!

On to the next...... =)!!!!!!!!

When It Rains, It F*ckin Pours

Dear God,

Please give me patience and strength to get through every challenge I'm facing, simultaneously. If that's too much to ask for....just send more orange butterflies. Something to ease these shakes...

I know it's not your fault, but September has always been such a difficult month. But I know I'll laugh about this in about a couple of weeks....just venting here.

Loving you always,

kay