it's such a thing to do, isn't it? to get caught up. in everything...in the everyday...in life, as it rolls through the patterns, ever oblivious of the routine, and ever oblivious of the present moments taken for granted, one gets caught up in the smaller things. i read a book called, "The Tipping Point", it which it illustrates the moment where the shift begins. In it's subtle journey to that point, no one ever realizes that the small actions, words, or lack thereof(s), will lead to an ultimate tipping point...that point where the scale tips and you are on the very tip of the other side of the spectrum. I've been on that verge, not yet tipping point, and most times i caught myself before the final descent. I suppose it's my natural sensiblity to be mindful and aware of my life, my actions, my words, my successes, my fuck-ups, my...being. But why still, after all that mental, emotional, pyschological preparation do I still get anxious? And I've boiled it down to this one realization: I'm human- capable of vulnerabilty and irrationality. Everything doesn't need to make sense right? And so my feelings...however deeply intense and however shallow to the surface they may be, are natural and most times, unexplainable. I've always had a hard time vocalizing my feelings because to me, it makes perfect sense (as the ego so often clouds itself to feel righteous will do) but when spoken...I don't know how to relay.
So, deeply breathing, I guess I'll just dive into why I'm writing on this day, at this time. As of late, I've begun to journey into my inner being again. Something, I've missed that was such a big part of me. This is done in terms of yoga, reading, stillness, appreciation and of course...writing. Through this, I've touched a nerve of anxiousness...not unhappiness...but just anxiety. Anxiety of the unforetelling elements of the future, what it might be composed of, anxiety of my past and how far I've come or how short I've come to certain goals, and anxiety of the present moment of reality, of affirmations and of realism. My life has pumped the brakes...slowed down to a pace that is a little new to me. After talking to my cousin Regie today he told me that I've reached "lola" status and that he needed a new favorite cousin. All jokes aside, I knew he was right. I can no longer relate to those that I formed social relationships with beyond a sobriety level. Not to say those relationships will end ((because they are built on a foundation much deeper than social activities)) but it's different. But this feeling goes beyond being "out of the scene". There seems to be a shift in me and maybe it's the anticipation of the future? or the fear of the past repeating itself? All I know is that, I need to check myself before the tipping point...if it's slowly creeping up on me.
((breaking this up...just received a text from a great friend))
Ahh....and there is the silver lining to my day that I've been waiting for! BB just texted me that she's having a girl- what she wanted! A small, great reminder for me that life is miraculous and beautiful...beyond myself, beyond the self inquires I ponder without end...
cie la vie!
<3 ka
