"The [Older] the Berry, the Sweeter the Juice"

It is no surprise that we are getting older and older by the second. If physical appearances, cocktailed by wrinkles, grey hair(s), sagging skin and anything else that has you saying "hey I didn't have these before", weren't enough signs to announce you've aged...how about all the internal implications? Slowly and steadily losing your vision, your hearing, your strength, your stamina (uh-oh boys, I know that's a major one for you), your athleticism, your flexiblity, your memory, your desires, your hopes, your aspirations, your energy to 'have fun and go out' every night, your tolerance to consume heavy amounts of alcohol and waking up at 6am to go to work the next day without the world spinning and having you feel like death, your indifference to politics, religion, and money (because who are you kidding? we were blinded to these realities up till the day we graduated from college and the reality for providing for ourselves made its presence known with a huge slap in the face...and wait, money doesn't grow on trees?!? shiiiiit), and your apprehension of thinking one day you will have kids, settle down and be like your parents (cuz that's just impossible!!) is still very engaged. When all of those I just listed have been lost...well, it's a strong nudge that maybe we've hit that stage where we are finally growing up.

And unlike an adolescent to a teen to a young adult, where the growing pains were spread out within 4-5 year intervals and streamlined smoothly (for lack of a better term), "growing up" into adulthood hits you overnight. There is no grace period or hand holding here. Sure, you see signs of it the first time you wake up hung over from a night of raging and you can't undersand why you're hugging the toilet for a full day....when it only took you yakking once to feel better. You see a glimpse of it when you get a minor cramp as you're hustling down the court to get back on defense and notice you're short of breath and you need a quick substitution. And you start to get introduced to it when you're beautifying yourself in the mirror and all of a sudden you scream because you notice that white strand of hair but you calm yourself down when you tell yourself you've just had a stressful week and if you take it out, just that one, that should be the last of grey hairs you'll be seeing till you're 60 (okay 50. 40?).

Those signs are all ignored. You go about your day, as your body is transforming and conjuring up an evil "surprise party" the next morning to alert you- YOU'RE OLD! Sure enough you wake up, joints aching, head throbbing, needing glasses just to tell the time, and freaking the eff out because bills are due- YOUR bills. Then you start to digress into your thoughts (look up into that thought bubble)...into a land that not too long ago, you didn't have to worry about "your" bills, you didn't have to take advil upon waking up because your body was aching and a 2 minute stretch turned into a whole morning of cracking your back and adjusting your posture, and where homework was the major responsibility of your life.

Mind you, I'm only 27...writing as if I am 40, and seeming that I've had all sense of my youth evaded from my life. Thank goodness  I haven't. And thank goodness for great genes- in some instances too "great" that some people innocently still mistake me as a high school student (the cuteness of that mistake died a loong time ago). But I do know that enough people in my age group have already had that uneasy feeling of "growing old" and that slap of reality that our 10 year high school reunion is coming up. Yup 10 years...a decade...an unequivocal truth that we haven't met our 10 year goal when we ask ourselves "where the hell did these last 10 years go?" ((answer: fucking around being 20 year olds duuuh. Never thinking we'd face this day at 27 asking ourselves that question)). Then there's those moments when we're at a club and have a need to go outside because the music is too loud and we do a double-take because we just saw our little cousin/brother/sister taking a jager bomb at the bar. But they aren't little anymore- they're 22 years old and have taken our place as the "alcoholic" of the family ((because any filipino mom would lable their child an alcoholic even if they just took 1 jello shot all their lives- 'ahh sige, por dat drink and haa-lah! aye nako!' (i swear my mom's voice rattling that phrase in my ear while I'm pregaming at the house, still haunts me)) So from a now versed "club rat" at 27 looking at it with my 22 year old brother in the mix- I no longer find the scene appealing and secretly I like it (no more nights blowing $200 for drinks at a crowded bar).

And this is exactly the point where I ((and we)) have to realize the beauty of growing up. Yes, it sucks to realize that from this point on all the cupcaking we did just a year ago, 5 years ago, 10 years go...will now be dismissed and replaced by bigger problems, more serious paperwork then homework, more complicated and convoluted decisions than figuring out what your facebook profile picture should be, and ((oooh God)) the subtle transformation of your physical self. But good things await just around the corner. Real "blessings". A sense of self-worth as you begin a career or settle into a nice promotion ((fingers crossed!!!)), a sense of entitlement over those who are younger because you've "been there done that" that you can dispense what pearls of wisdom you've gained by just being there a few years ago but still able to relate to them in ways a parent ((or someone in their 30's can't because they were from a different era. ooops =X )) can't. We have the decision and experience to know what we want for ourselves and from other people...including the most important of all- a partner. We can start to entertain the thought of having a kid ((or maybe kids but that's a little too soon)) without  the feeling that we are "too young, too juvenile"..((ok some of your hearts might be beating fast still at this thought but don't freak out...we still have 3 years to semi-freak out then after that...the word entertaining should be "planning")). We can live on our own, travel wherever we want, spend our money how we please, make money how we please, and be filled with the anticipation that from this point on our lives is what we want it to be and that desire should emerge again. But this time, we can produce results and all our hard work up till this point will come to fruition. Even if days seem bad...even if you're not where you want to be, at 27 you are still young enough to shape your life, and to hope for a great, near future.

Then the real reward comes bearing gifts. Your manager/director starts to trust you with multi-million dollar deals, even lets you be part of all business meetings, you start to see your business flourish, even if it's not...you come to work proud that this is your establishment and your customers actually trust in you to do that job right- not another person, but you. You buy your first home- excited at what will inhabit it. You purchase your own car...your own boat  ((sorry! had to say it =P)) . You treat your parents out to a fancy dinner just because you can and because you want them to feel proud of raising you, and this dinner, as small as it is, is your way of thanking them. People start to trust in you. You start to trust in you(rself). You know that whatever you want is just within your reach because now you have the tools to achieve it. You can ask for help without feeling ashamed. You can give help without needing anything in return.

This is why we must embrace growing up. Because life is sweet....and it's sweeter when you begin to shape your own life, yourself.

<3, k

Up, Up, Here We Gooo...

it's such a thing to do, isn't it? to get caught up. in everything...in the everyday...in life, as it rolls through the patterns, ever oblivious of the routine, and ever oblivious of the present moments taken for granted, one gets caught up in the smaller things. i read a book called, "The Tipping Point", it which it illustrates the moment where the shift begins. In it's subtle journey to that point, no one ever realizes that the small actions, words, or lack thereof(s), will lead to an ultimate tipping point...that point where the scale tips and you are on the very tip of the other side of the spectrum. I've been on that verge, not yet tipping point, and most times i caught myself before the final descent. I suppose it's my natural sensiblity to be mindful and aware of my life, my actions, my words, my successes, my fuck-ups, my...being. But why still, after all that mental, emotional, pyschological preparation do I still get anxious? And I've boiled it down to this one realization: I'm human- capable of vulnerabilty and irrationality. Everything doesn't need to make sense right? And so my feelings...however deeply intense and however shallow to the surface they may be, are natural and most times, unexplainable. I've always had a hard time vocalizing my feelings because to me, it makes perfect sense (as the ego so often clouds itself to feel righteous will do) but when spoken...I don't know how to relay.

 

So, deeply breathing, I guess I'll just dive into why I'm writing on this day, at this time. As of late, I've begun to journey into my inner being again. Something, I've missed that was such a big part of me. This is done in terms of yoga, reading, stillness, appreciation and of course...writing. Through this, I've touched a nerve of anxiousness...not unhappiness...but just anxiety. Anxiety of the unforetelling elements of the future, what it might be composed of, anxiety of my past and how far I've come or how short I've come to certain goals, and anxiety of the present moment of reality, of affirmations and of realism. My life has pumped the brakes...slowed down to a pace that is a little new to me. After talking to my cousin Regie today he told me that I've reached "lola" status and that he needed a new favorite cousin. All jokes aside, I knew he was right. I can no longer relate to those that I formed social relationships with beyond a sobriety level. Not to say those relationships will end ((because they are built on a foundation much deeper than social activities)) but it's different. But this feeling goes beyond being "out of the scene". There seems to be a shift in me and maybe it's the anticipation of the future? or the fear of the past repeating itself? All I know is that, I need to check myself before the tipping point...if it's slowly creeping up on me.

 

((breaking this up...just received a text from a great friend))

 

Ahh....and there is the silver lining to my day that I've been waiting for! BB just texted me that she's having a girl- what she wanted! A small, great reminder for me that life is miraculous and beautiful...beyond myself, beyond the self inquires I ponder without end...

 

cie la vie!

 

<3 ka