Before The Year's End

Since moving back in after college, a desire to be on my "own" always resonated in me. I guess it didn't really manifest till late last year. I mean, I didn't really have the need to be on my own, considering my ex-boyfriend had a place of residence all to himself and I, usually, resided there most nights. Still, it didn't feel quite mine. And I felt like I was invading his space, more so than helping around & playing little miss housewife. Earlier this year ((as I write...it's about 3 days away from a new year)), hmm where was I? Oh yea, earlier this year was tough. Many fights. Many tears. Many heartbreaks. Alot of confusion. From that point, I made it my main mission to find a place of my own that I could go to as a place of refuge and peace. Don't get me wrong, I had it pretty sweet at my parents' house. It allowed me to live the lifestyle I wanted to at this age in my life- going out with friends, spending money on food & drinks like I deserved it & money grew on trees, shopping, shopping....and well, more shopping. It got tiring quick. Material things are like that- very empty and very, very short term gratifying. I wanted something more. I mean, come on...((I kept thinking))..I'm a young, working professional and I need to invest in myself, in a place where it's conducive to my lifestyle. Somewhere I can grow and learn about....LIFE. Not that mom & dad weren't understanding..they were. They even enjoyed a drink or two with me....okay, maybe a bottle or two is more fitting. But I always felt a sense of immaturity living with them. Like they were always going to take care of me. I needed to challenge myself. 

So the active search began...

And I finally found the perfect home for me. Nestled in a cute, tree-lined street of Pasadena. A city that always sat well with me. First off, you had manicured lawns, trees, shades, and foot traffic that was leisurely and inviting. It's a safe city- I even met a cop that can come in handy as a very useful contact, but we can delve into that later. Second, it was near shopping stores ((though, I tend to stay away from stepping foot in them now unless it's of the utmost necessity)) and bars & restaurants! I get to live the lifestyle I want in closer range of my destinations...which eliminates the chances of drunk driving & spending money on gas. Third- it is a very convenient city to get to...the freeways I ever need is right there and commute to work & my family is easy-breezy, lemon squeezy?! 

As I take in the past 2 months of my inhabitation here, I thank God that he has blessed me with the ability to do this all on my own. I owe alot to him. He had to endure all the tearful nights, where I pleaded desperately to him that I needed a change, I needed out of the misery I thought was love, I needed....something, anything....a sign. Err more like strength. There ya go..I remember going to this big, beautiful, ornate church by work and just kneeling and asking him..."If you could give me strength...you know how weak & selfless my heart can be...I'm starting to think it's unhealthy for me...sure, it's good for other people. But God, I'm so confused...how can people be so selfish & how can I be so selfless and still feel like shit? I need to learn balance- to love myself and give to people appropriately. I don't know. I'm fucking lost. Shit, sorry for cussing. Ugh..I really need strength if you can show me. Not too much though, I still want to be generous. I'm an effin mess! Sorry for venting. Ok, forget it... don't listen to me. I need to do this on my own. But a little guidance is appreciated. Ugh okay, listen to other people's prayers now. Thanks & I love you..." I'm still not comfortable with asking God for anything- and I guess it carried over to how I act with people. i hate asking for things and I really didn't know how to balance my needs & wants and accepting it's okay to ask for help sometimes. And though, he patiently listened to this brat whine & try to front that she was ok when He knew she really wasn't....in His own unique way, He led me to this place. It was a silent rescue. I had to learn lessons throughout the way, where I questioned why He would put those obstacles in my way when I was already too fucked up to try to understand....or had the energy & cognitive willpower to even try. But I'm glad He did. He showed me reality. How people can be and how to conduct myself. How to consciously recognize how strong I can be. I've always equated the happiness in my life to the relationships I currently held- boyfriend, friends, family, coworkers... And when all of that broke down this year, I had nothing. Not even my dog ((who ALWAYS managed to make me feel better...made me feel that a deeper connection exists in this world))...even she couldn't snap me out of the confusion that laid in me regarding my failed relationships. But now...as I live alone, I build things by myself, I explore by myself, I sign contracts alone....I've grown to appreciate the beauty of myself. Of me being completely me- held with no strings by the expectations of my relationships- of me sacrificing myself for another's well being. It's true, that I get a little down being alone, I honestly miss the feeling of having someone there I can spoil and be sweet to. It makes me feel good inside to be able to know that I can help someone and make their day a little brighter. But I think He is challenging me to appreciate myself, so I know what I deserve and need in return, when I do get back in a relationship. and even among peers & coworkers. He's built me up so much, that the confidence I've gained will prepare me for a better relationship, if I chose to be in one again. 

Quiet reflections in my room, by the fireplace, out in my patio, on top of my bar table...every area in this little place of mine calms me and reminds me that my life is great, I'm great, the people in my life are beyond wonderful and that God has really helped me get here. No one else. There was no one that has driven me so hard to take control of my life and go out there and just face it. Sure, you always hear "conquer the world. your dreams. go out there & LIVE" But, what the ef does that mean?! When I was at the brink of graduating college I had all these cards & little motivational pep-talks- Go out there! You can get em! Live life! The world is your oyster! Those kinda sayings where it was nicely written on hallmark cards with stars, diplomas...but whenever I thought about it I was terrified and confused. I pictured myself...waking up to an abundant sunshine...jumping out of bed...bursting out of my front door to a busy street...arms stretched..chin up wiffing that fresh clean air....chest up...big grin on my face...exclaiming "Watch out world! I'm taking over!!!" But um....that was pretty gay to me. Still, the possibilities were infinite out there, right? I didn't know how to quite obtain such "possibilities" till I was sitting watching football, of all things!, and I realized...you know what? I have it! almost...or at least I'm on my way. I have a great job. I have great friends & family. And I've provided this place for myself. If this isn't what it's all about, I don't know what is?! Nothing can ever compare to the self-worth and proud feeling I have for myself. Not to sound boastful...but I can finally say I am so happy with where I'm at and the investment of all those things that lead up to here- pre-school to college to cars to lessons learned...brought me here. Just a year ago I thought I was living the life- I provided a trip to Costa Rica by myself....I spend my own money my own way...but again, my immaturity and confusion was caused by material possessions that lost it's luster quick. Life is deeper. Sure, I still enjoy the finer things in life. But I'm smarter, more aware, more grateful, more in-tuned. 

Thanks to those of you who pushed me, who guided me, who had fun with me and loved me even after still that all faded, who believed that I was stronger than I gave myself credit for. 

I hope you gain the sense of worth and appreciation I have right now. It's truly beautiful and nothing can ever take it away once you have it. I promise.